When I feel most alive … go ahead, take your shoes off!

Well, I’m leaving this week for Florida. And I couldn’t be more excited, and sad. Ha! You probably think I’m a bit insane.

Well the exciting part is this: God provided just about all my support in a little over 4 weeks! That is amazing! We are talking more than THIRTY THOUSAND DOLLARS!!!! (As of Monday night, I was at 98%) And I am ready to get down there and start working with Crusade as a programmer!

The sad part is this: I have to leave Maryland, where my family and all my new friends are. I have been blessed to gain some awesome new friends this summer — Ethan, Leila, Ted, and Andy, and get closer to some old ones, Jocie (my twin, of course), Aaron, Josh, Amy, Lori, Matt, and Melody! I am not happy about leaving them, although thankfully they are almost all a free phone call away ANYTIME thanks to the good people at Verizon.

Anyway, right now it looks like I will be leaving Friday, to get down there Sunday evening to relax for Labor Day on Monday and then start work on Tuesday!

God is so awesome! He provided for all my needs financially, and I know that even though it will be tough to leave my friends, He will continue to provide for ALL my needs in this way too this year!

I watched About A Boy last night, because I bought it this week, because Scott mentioned it in his sermon on Sunday, and I wanted to see it again. It was SO worth it!

Will, is the main character in the movie (played by Hugh Grant), and at the beginning describes himself as “an island” and describes how he really beleives his life is a whole lot better off without other people to complicate things. And how he fills his time up with meaningless things to keep himself busy and happy (he thinks). He does “nothing” and lives off the royalties of a hit Christmas song his dead father wrote.

But in the climactic scene near the end, which captures the heart of this story, Will has rushed to the school concert to stop Marcus (a 12 year old kid who he has unfortunately become attached to) from singing a solo (where he will be “committing social suicide”) because he has, to his own surprise, discovered that there is extreme joy to be found in making other people happy, not just trying to make yourself happy.

So while Will is trying to convince Marcus to not sing this potentially humiliating song for his own sake, this 12 year old boy challenges this 38 year old boy (and by the way, I’m not sure whether the title “About a Boy” is referring to Will or Marcus… maybe both, and that’s the idea) to think about someone other than himself, and resolves to sing it for his mom.

Here is the scene:

“My Mom wants me to sing it. It’ll make her happy.”

“Look Marcus. Mate, nothing you do can make your mom happy. Alright? I mean, not in the long term. She has to do that for herself. … What I’m saying is the important thing is to make yourself feel happy.”

“I’ve tried just making myself happy. She’s tried making herself happy. But it doesn’t work. You need other people to make you happy.”

“But that’s just it! If other people can make you happy, they can also make you unhappy. You think those people out there [the tough crowd of mocking students] are gonna make you happy?”

[And Marcus steps out onto the stage to sing]

After a short time, Will rescues Marcus from his classmates who had begun tearing Marcus to pieces for his loving but poor performance of “Killing Me Softly.” He steps on stage mid-way through the song with a guitar (even though he had claimed earlier in the movie he couldn’t play the fancy guitar he owned) to save the song, boost Marcus’ confidence and hush the booing crowd.

Will had learned a lot from his young friend. Who seemed to have been brought to him, unasked for, when he needed him most to learn something about life.

Just before the school concert scene I described above, Will had crashed. After failing to keep up a lie with his girlfriend, he comes to believe that his life of “doing nothing” meant that he was “nothing” and sees that for the most part his life was meaningless and worthless.

Here’s how he tells it:

“My life is made up of units of time. Buying a CD, 2 units. Eating lunch, 3 units. Exercising, 2 units. All in all, I had a very full life. It’s just that … it didn’t mean anything. The fact was, there was only one thing that meant something to me. Marcus. He was the only thing that meant something to me. And Fiona [Marcus’ mom] was the only thing that meant something to him, and she was about to fall off the edge.”

And so he ventures “off the island” to get Fiona and make sure she is not going to try to committ suicide again (the reason Marcus wants to sing is because Fiona told him earlier in the movie that when he sings it brings joy and happiness to her heart) And Will goes to bring Fiona to the school concert so that they can stop Marcus from singing, but ends up singing with him! He does something for someone else besides himself. He actually makes quite a fool of himself doing it too! But doesn’t seem to care, because helping Marcus brought him so much joy.

He closes the movie with this little monologue, showing his change of heart.

“Every man is an island. I stand by that. But, clearly, some men are part of island chains. Below the surface of the ocean, they’re actually connected.”

And later as he talks with Marcus about the future:

“I’d created a monster. Or maybe he’d created me.”

—–

Here are the main ideas I picked out that I really liked that I felt were being communicated in this story:

1. It shows that we end up more happy if we are committed to making each other happy instead of just ourselves.
2. It shows that a fuller, happier, more meaningful life is one that is lived in giving relationships with others, not alone.
3. It demonstrates that unselfish love is a powerful change agent in people’s lives. In this movie, it changed Marcus, Will, and Fiona in ways that they would have never changed without it.
4. It shows that true love and commitment to someone requires honesty and unselfishness and a willingness to risk being hurt in the hope of feeling loved by them.

—–

Here are my reflections on it:

We were created for relationship. And I believe that, while real, genuine relationship with others heals and changes us, it is only relationship with God, who created us and really knows us, that will change us and heal our wounds completely.

I think I am like Will in more ways than I care to admit. I like to think I’m an island sometimes, that I don’t need others, and that others don’t need me. And that I don’t need God, and that he doesn’t care about me. But I couldn’t be more wrong, and thankfully, just like Marcus in this story, who would come over to Will’s place uninvited all the time, God comes over to my place every day, even though often I don’t invite him. Thankfully, God is not an insecure kid looking for someone to give him some approval and encouragement. He is a loving friend who knows exactly what I need and is ready to provide for my every need!

The question is, why don’t I invite him over more often?

And if you have no relationship with God, why don’t you invite Him in? He wants to know you. He wants to show you the kind of relationship and love that will really heal and change you.

The chapter I read in Blue Like Jazz today was titled “Problems: What I learned on TV” Don goes into how he got a TV and started watching a news magazine program, Nightline. The special on the problems in the Congo gets him thinking about things.

He recounts a revealing conversation he has with his buddy, Tony the Beat Poet. (that’s what he calls him… kinda funny)

“It’s terrible,” I told him. “Two and half million people, dead. In one village they interviewed about fifty or so women. All of them had been raped, most of them numerous times.”
Tony shook his head. “That is amazing. It is so difficult to even process how things like that can happen.”
“I know. I can’t get my mind around it. I keep wondering how people could do things like that.”

[… and then he asks Don the tough question:]

“Do you think you could do something like that, Don?” Tony looked at me pretty seriously. I honestly couldn’t believe he was asking the question.

Don goes on to tell about how he came to grips with the idea that yes, he could do something like that. He is capable of murder, or rape, because he, like you and me, have a sinful nature, that doesn’t want to do good naturally. He struggles over the idea as he joins his friend Andrew the Protestor to protest the president over his support of World Bank and international affairs. He comes to the conclusion that,

“The problem is not a certain type of legislation or even a certain politician; the problem is the same that it has always been. I am the problem.”

He says at the end of the chapter,

“I think Jesus feels strongly about communicating the idea of our brokenness, and I think it is worth reflection. Nothing is going to change in the Congo until you and I figure out what is wrong with the person in the mirror.”

My point was not to try to perfectly recount everything Don said in this chapter but to just get a glimpse of how Don came to reflect on and understand the problem of sin inside himself and saw his brokenness. I thought I would just take this space in the blog to reflect on that. As Don said, it’s worth reflecting on, that’s for sure!

I too feel like Don, I can see the problem inside me, sin. Sin is what is destroying this world. Sin is what brought terrorism, murder, and rape. Thankfully there is one thing that makes me different from the people committing the atrocities in the Congo. I have Jesus living in my heart, bringing life, love, faith, and goodness where sin had previously reigned in anger, hatred, and evil. But it does scare me to think that I am capable of those other things. At any time I could commit one of any number of heinous crimes/sins. It is only love that motivates me to do good. Just like as Don says we have to train children do know right and wrong and do what’s right, I need to be trained by God’s love to do what is good in His sight.

A verse I studied this year with my team in North Africa comes to mind:

Titus 2:11-14 “For the grace of God that brings salvation has appeared to all men, teaching us that, denying ungodliness and worldly lusts, we should live soberly, righteously, and godly in the present age, looking for the blessed hope and glorious appearing of our great God and Savior Jesus Christ, who gave Himself for us, that he might redeem us from every lawless deed and purify for Himself His own special people, zealous for good works.”

I pray that God would train me in grace to live soberly, righteously, and godly in the present age!

So I have been watching as much of the Olympics as I can lately. I have seen some really exciting stuff. First off is the men’s gymnastics individual all-around competition. Paul Hamm is my freakin hero. If you didn’t see it, he messed up on his vault (the 4th of 6 events). I don’t know if you have watched any gymnastics lately but, you know how the commentators are always like “Well Tina, this one is really important for him tonight. He really needs to stick this landing in order to be in medal contention… blah blah blah.. one step will cost him a tenth of a point in a competition where a thousandth could make the difference… blah blah blah” Well he did WAY MORE THAN TAKE A STEP!!! When he landed after flying through the air and performing several difficult and amazing looking flips and twists, his feet hit the ground and he fell sideways, stepping over the white line, falling off the elevated landing platform in front of the vault, and fell on his butt in front of the judges table. One of the judges actually stuck his hand out to help break his fall.

Well anyway, he was obviously distraught after the vault that scored him a 9.0 “I thought, `That’s it. I’m done,”’ he said. (from SI article above) I mean who wouldn’t have counted him out????

But like a champ, he got back up and gave his best performances of his life on the final two events. He came back to win the gold because of his great scores and the mistakes of his competitors.

This is what he said afterwards: “I’m happy right now. Shocked, actually,” said Hamm, the first American man to win the Olympic all-around. “To be in first place after that kind of mistake, I thought there was no chance to win.” (from SI article)

The way I see it, you and me aren’t all that different from Paul Hamm. We all made a huge mistake in life, and we probably thought that there was no hope, no chance to win. Well thankfully, our judge is a perfectly loving one, and let us pull an unheard-of-substitution, and let another man perform in our place. And thankfully he scored a perfect 10.0 on our behalf.

I’m talking about Jesus. He stepped in when we had no chance to win, and won the gold for us. Earning for us more than a place on the top of the podium, but a place next to the throne of God! Because I trust Jesus for the forgiveness of my sins, I can say like Paul Hamm after winning the gold medal “I’m happy right now. Shocked actually.”

Ephesians 2:4-10 - “But because of his great love for us, God, who is rich in mercy, made us alive with Christ even when we were dead in transgressions–it is by grace you have been saved. And God raised us up with Christ and seated us with him in the heavenly realms in Christ Jesus, in order that in the coming ages he might show the incomparable riches of his grace, expressed in his kindness to us in Christ Jesus. For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith–and this not from yourselves, it is the gift of God– not by works, so that no one can boast. For we are God’s workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do. ”

Incomparable Riches…. are much MUCH better than a gold medal!!! Thanks God!

In the first chapter of Blue Like Jazz, Donald Miller describes his childhood story, and how he came to feel and understand guilt .. the beginnings of understanding God and knowing Him.

Here’s a little bit of what he says:

“All of this gave way to my first encounter with guilt, which is still something entirely inscrutable to me, as if aliens were sending transmissions from another planet, telling me there is a right and wrong in the universe. … My life had become something to hide; there were secrets in it. My thoughts were private thoughts, my lies were barriers that protected my thoughts, my sharp tongue a weapon to protect the ugly me.”

I feel like I can really relate to his thoughts on guilt. As a kid I was exactly the same way (although I didn’t have the guts to lie) I remember feeling guilt and using my attitude and tongue to hide the person I saw and didn’t like because I felt guilty about my sins.

I think I still do it, and I need to watch out for it. I think especially sometimes with my family, because I don’t always have complete confidence that they will accept me and love me no matter what, I don’t want them to see the ugly me, so I act unkind or defensive. (But ironically, this is ALSO the ugly me!) I really need to understand God’s grace and take the leap of faith to speak lovingly to my family and open up to them even when guilt is trying to make me feel bad. I think this is a trick of Satan. He tries to use guilt to get me to abandon loving community with people.

I am ugly sometimes, but that is not the real me. The real me is forgiven, cleansed, and made beautiful in Jesus. I want them to see the real me.

Blue Like Grace is more like it!

So I got a new book yesterday. I’m really looking forward to reading it. It’s called “Blue Like Jazz” and the author’s name is Donald Miller. I have heard really good things about it from my Missions Pastor, Scott Simmons. It seems like it will teach me things through the use of stories and the author’s reflections on the little things that happen in his life. I’ll try to share some little bits from it as I read it! Maybe you will end up picking it up and reading it!

I guess it’s a little bit like my blog here. I hope that you appreciate the things I learn through life and can grow with me!

Today I slept in because that’s my job. Sleep by day, make phone calls and watch movies by night. HA HA Just kidding, although I am rarely up before 11.

I think I need to pray more because it is really hard for me to believe that God can and will provide another 50% of my support in 2 WEEKS! I know it will happen! But it’s so hard to convince myself sometimes.

Today I watched the newest Adam Sandler movie “50 First Dates”. In this funny but meaningful movie, Lucy, played by Drew Barrymore has lost her short term memory and similar to the characters in “Groundhog Day” or “Memento”, she replays the same day over and over again.

The really interesting thing is when she sees how powerful the love of Henry (Adam Sandler’s character) is. She is blown away by how committed he is to “Making her fall in love with him every day, ” even though he knows she won’t even know who he is the next day.

I kind of see myself as being like “Forgetful Lucy” (as Henry calls her in a sweet made-up love song he sings to her) when it comes to my relationship with God. I think that a lot of times I wake up in the morning and forget all about the things that God has done in my life to make me fall in love with Him. It’s pretty sad, but so awesome that God, like Henry in this movie, is committed to doing it over and over again each day.

I think it’s really great the way that Henry chooses to go about dealing with her problem. Instead of lying to her and playing along with her delusions (like her father and brother have been doing for the past year) he makes a tape (“Good morning Lucy”) for her to watch each day immediately after she wakes up , to tell her the story of her life and remind her who she is and who is important to her. She “renews her mind” each morning with the truth that Henry loves her and that even though she does not remember anything from the last year, it’s OK and it will be a great day.

I think maybe I need a “Good morning Scott” tape from the Lord each day so I don’t so easily forget who I am and who He is. Because just like Lucy the first day after meeting Henry, rejected him and didn’t want anything to do with him (even though they had a great time the day before at breakfast) I often reject God just days, hours, minutes after I am enjoying the greatest times with Him. It’s so pitiful.

But thankfully Lamentations 3:21-24 is true:

This I recall to my mind,
Therefore I have hope.
Through the LORD’s mercies we are not consumed,
Because His compassions fail not.
They are new every morning;
Great is Your faithfulness.
“The LORD is my portion,” says my soul,
“Therefore I hope in Him!”

I am so thankful that God never gives up on me and that like Henry, a full and happy life is only the one where He is with me each day. Would I say the same thing: that the only full and happy life for me is the one spent in daily relationship with God!

I guess I would say I really liked 50 First Dates. See it for fun, and if you want, consider the deeper truths that shine through this fun story.

Well, I finally decided to get into this whole BLOG thing. I haven’t done it before, but I know enough to know that everyone and their mother seems to have one, so here goes! I hope you enjoy reading my thoughts and ideas! Come back often!