When I feel most alive … go ahead, take your shoes off!

That is how I have been feeling recently. A few days after my last blog entry, I found out that I did not get the job I interviewed for that week, and that I has hoped to get so much. I felt so out of control, like I couldn’t get anything to work out for me. None of my plans seemed to be working out. There was a day last week where I was afraid that none of my dreams or hopes in life would ever happen. It was really, really hard, and scary. I found myself, in my mind, asking ridiculous questions like “Has God abandoned me?”, “Does God love me and even want me to be happy?”, “Will I ever find a job and a place to live?”, “Will I ever see anything I dream for in life?” Thankfully, the Holy Spirit in me and others who love me thoroughly convinced me that indeed God does love me and have a good plan for my life.

But anyway, I started re-reading a really good book today “Encouragement: The Key to Caring” by Larry Crabb, and I was thinking back on why I was so afraid before. I connected with something he said.
[He was talking about encouragement and how God is so often in the Bible telling people not to be afraid over and over again.]

Why does the Bible place this emphasis on fear? As I contemplate the predicament of mankind and the reasons for reacting to it as we do, it seems clear to me that the governing emotional energy in the unregenerate human personality is fear. Our problems are really quite beyond our capacity to solve. We cannot control what matters most to us. The plans we make will work nicely only if factors beyond our control do not interfere. Our lives ultimately are not in our hands. So with good reason we fear what might happen.

But I found myself feeling very *not afraid* after being encouraged to “be not afraid” by my parents and by Liz after wrestling with those questions. I think the song “Out of Control” by John Rueben sums up nicely

Check it out
What I needed to hear
Wasn’t coming in clear
And what I now know
Is only partial info
I speak over tempo
To put words into motion
You can’t stay stagnant
With the future that’s approaching
So wouldn’t you stand
It’s either break or be broken
Forget dry land
I’d rather stand in the ocean
And let the waves of devotion
Roll over me
Irony
I had to suffocate
Before I could breathe

Now I’m in a head space
I’ve never been before
Ever since my feet hit the shore
I tell ya boy
It feels good
So give me some more
I say
It feels good

Well it’s a bit passionate for your radio
But that’s alright though
It’s good for your soul
And it feels good to be out of control
I said
It feels good to be out of control

Now wait that’s something
Adrenaline rushing
And I’m touching
The heart of God
And adjusting
Rather nice lead to the feeling
That’s inside of me
Alive in me
Continually guiding me
It’s surprising me
It’s beyond my reach
But it’s in my grasp
I walk steadfast
Along a narrow path
Avoiding stairs and traps
And all else that seems to keep me
From who I need to be
Right now I’m thinking clearly

And I’m in a head space
I’ve never been before
Ever since my feet hit the shore
I tell ya ha
It feels good
So give me some more
I say
It feels good

It does feel good to be out of control. Now that I know that God has things under control, even if I can’t see what His plan is, I know that He knows it and won’t fail. So I say, give me some more!

A few months ago I was reading a book “Boundaries” by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend. I came across this section on finding your life’s work:

Finding your life’s work involves taking risks. First you need to firmly establish your identity, separating yourself from those you are attached to and following your desires. You must take ownership of how you feel, how you think, and what you want. You must assess your talents and limitations. And then you must begin to step out as God leads you.
For God wants you to discover and use your gifts to his glory. He asks only that include him in the process: “Delight yourself in the Lord and he will give you the desires of your heart. Commit your way to the Lord; trust in him and he will do this” (Ps. 37:4-5).
God also, however, calls you to be accountable for what you do: “Follow the ways of your heart and whatever your eyes see, but know that for all these things God will bring you to judgment” (Eccl. 11:9)
As you develop your talents, look at your work as a partnership between you and God. He has given you gifts, and he wants you to develop them. Commit your way to the Lord, and you will find your work identity. Ask him to help.

Dr. Henry Cloud & Dr. John Townsend – Boundaries pp. 206- 207

It spoke to my heart and encouraged me a lot. I think I’m doing or learning to do some of these things. But it’s scary to take risks. This boundary stuff requires so much risk and responsibility! Something inside me is screaming, “No! Just sit back and let things happen.” but I know that isn’t good for me. I must be pro-active about finding it.

What is encouraging to me is that it is a process that God is involved in with me. He wants me to make this wonderful discovery of how He wants to best use my talents and gifts to His glory.

I am learning to include God in this process. It’s easy to drift into thinking that this whole job search thing is totally on my shoulders and I have no help, but in fact, God is holding my hand and leading me the whole way. I am learning to pray about even the little things in the job search, to invite God to work in them.

I have an interview for a job today that I am excited about at 3 PM. Pray with me that if this would be the job that God has for me that everything would go well and that I would get the job. Pray that in the interview I would represent myself, my skills, my talents, and even my weaknesses in a fair, accurate manner and not sell myself short. Pray that my nervousness and anxiousness would not cause me to inaccurately represent the kind of worker and asset that I would be to their company. Pray that the interviewer would have grace for me and would see through any nervousness to the real me, and want to hire me.

God is sovereign and He will provide. Trust Him with me!