When I feel most alive … go ahead, take your shoes off!

That is how I have been feeling recently. A few days after my last blog entry, I found out that I did not get the job I interviewed for that week, and that I has hoped to get so much. I felt so out of control, like I couldn’t get anything to work out for me. None of my plans seemed to be working out. There was a day last week where I was afraid that none of my dreams or hopes in life would ever happen. It was really, really hard, and scary. I found myself, in my mind, asking ridiculous questions like “Has God abandoned me?”, “Does God love me and even want me to be happy?”, “Will I ever find a job and a place to live?”, “Will I ever see anything I dream for in life?” Thankfully, the Holy Spirit in me and others who love me thoroughly convinced me that indeed God does love me and have a good plan for my life.

But anyway, I started re-reading a really good book today “Encouragement: The Key to Caring” by Larry Crabb, and I was thinking back on why I was so afraid before. I connected with something he said.
[He was talking about encouragement and how God is so often in the Bible telling people not to be afraid over and over again.]

Why does the Bible place this emphasis on fear? As I contemplate the predicament of mankind and the reasons for reacting to it as we do, it seems clear to me that the governing emotional energy in the unregenerate human personality is fear. Our problems are really quite beyond our capacity to solve. We cannot control what matters most to us. The plans we make will work nicely only if factors beyond our control do not interfere. Our lives ultimately are not in our hands. So with good reason we fear what might happen.

But I found myself feeling very *not afraid* after being encouraged to “be not afraid” by my parents and by Liz after wrestling with those questions. I think the song “Out of Control” by John Rueben sums up nicely

Check it out
What I needed to hear
Wasn’t coming in clear
And what I now know
Is only partial info
I speak over tempo
To put words into motion
You can’t stay stagnant
With the future that’s approaching
So wouldn’t you stand
It’s either break or be broken
Forget dry land
I’d rather stand in the ocean
And let the waves of devotion
Roll over me
Irony
I had to suffocate
Before I could breathe

Now I’m in a head space
I’ve never been before
Ever since my feet hit the shore
I tell ya boy
It feels good
So give me some more
I say
It feels good

Well it’s a bit passionate for your radio
But that’s alright though
It’s good for your soul
And it feels good to be out of control
I said
It feels good to be out of control

Now wait that’s something
Adrenaline rushing
And I’m touching
The heart of God
And adjusting
Rather nice lead to the feeling
That’s inside of me
Alive in me
Continually guiding me
It’s surprising me
It’s beyond my reach
But it’s in my grasp
I walk steadfast
Along a narrow path
Avoiding stairs and traps
And all else that seems to keep me
From who I need to be
Right now I’m thinking clearly

And I’m in a head space
I’ve never been before
Ever since my feet hit the shore
I tell ya ha
It feels good
So give me some more
I say
It feels good

It does feel good to be out of control. Now that I know that God has things under control, even if I can’t see what His plan is, I know that He knows it and won’t fail. So I say, give me some more!